


"I am no girl, master, I never was."

by JustPrettyGay



Series: Little trans boy Anakin [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Because trans!Anakin is what I'm living for, Body Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans!Anakin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 09:41:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6418495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustPrettyGay/pseuds/JustPrettyGay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Anakin can't look him in the eye. Instead, he stares at his hands, bites his lip.<br/>He doesn't want to talk about it. He knows he should, and some day he'll probably have to anyway. He knows Obi-Wan could probably help him, too.<br/>Still, there is a cold fear deep inside him. Fear of being disrespected, fear of never again being seen as himself."</p><p>---</p><p>Anakin hates his body and Obi-Wan is there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I am no girl, master, I never was."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first english fanfic ever, and the first time I write about Obikin as well. I'd welcome you to leave helpful critics in the comments, I really want to get better.  
> I hope I did the formating right (I'm not used to spaced paragraphs since I don't really like it, but I was told most people do).
> 
> Thanks to Imaginarykat who corrected my mistakes (since English isn't my first language, that must have been annoying) and made it sound better at some points. Go and follow her, she writes awesome fics!
> 
> WARNING: This contains transsexuality, binding and body dysphoria. If that may trigger you, or you're a transphobic asshole, please don't read.

Obi-Wan carries him. Like a bride Anakin lies in his arms - only the fact that he hasn't put his hands around Obi-Wan's neck, and he isn't smiling but breathing heavily shows that this isn't for fun.  
While his master's face is as straight as always, Anakin's shows pain and some kind of desperation. There is fear there, too.  
Obi-Wan doesn't understand it yet - he doesn't even try to, first he has to bring Anakin into his rooms and find the reason for his sudden weakness, then he can think about his feelings - but it's there. 

He heads towards his door, opens it by using the Force, as using his hands is impossible right now, and enters the room. Slowly the door shuts behind him as he goes into his bedroom, laying his padawan down in the soft sheeds.

Still breathing heavily, even though he seems to be slowly getting better, Anakin says: "I'm fine, master. There's no need to do this, you know. We could just continue our training."  
He tries to get up again, but is held back by the soft strength of Obi-Wan's hands on his shoulders, forcing him to lie down against the wall at the head of the bed again. 

"You're not, Anakin", he says, starting to remove the first layer of his padawan's clothes. "We both know that."

A hand on his wrist stops him, holding him back from undressing Anakin. "I don't want that. I'm fine, there's no need to put my clothes away. Why do you even want to do it? It won't help anything if I sit naked in your bed."  
His breath is calmer already, but still there is something heavy in it, something forced.

Obi-Wan crosses his arms on his chest, then looks at Anakin with a worried glance.  
"You have problems with breathing, so it'd be good if your chest was free. Jedi robes aren't usually that tight , but since you have been having these problems for a quite long time now and you're all right when it comes to your health, it must be that."  
His voice sounds warm to Anakin - It would probably be remain unnoticed by most people, but he can hear it, for he's closer to Obi-Wan than anyone else.

There's a long silence in which neither of them dares to raise his voice: Obi-Wan because he has said everything he has to say and doesn't want to force Anakin, and Anakin, because he fears being touched, being undressed and showing his body as it truly is to his master.  
He just looks at the older Jedi with a very insecure, still scared expression, not sure what to say or to do.

He finally speaks as it is clear Obi-Wan won't just go and leave him alone. "I don't have any breathing problems anymore now. I can stay dressed."  
It's not what he should've said, he knows that himself, but he doesn't have the courage to actually talk about the subject of his fears.

"Yeah, you could...", Obi-Wan agrees slowly. "And you shall. I don't want to force you to do things you're so uncomfortable with."  
Anakin sinks back into the pillow, a flash of relief on his face. But still he knows his master would not just give up.

"But there must be a reason why you're so scared of just taking your robes off." Anakin knew it. This was even worse. Why wouldn't Obi-Wan just go?  
"Anakin." A strange, deep love lies in the way Obi-Wan says his name. "You know you can trust me with everything. I won't tell anybody else, and I'll try to help you. What is wrong?"

Anakin can't look him in the eye. Instead, he stares at his hands, bites his lip.  
He doesn't want to talk about it. He knows he should, and some day he'll probably have to anyway. He knows Obi-Wan could probably help him, too.  
Still, there is a cold fear deep inside him. Feat of being disrespected, fear of never again being seen as himself.

They sit in silence.  
Obi-Wan knows Anakin needs time, and so does Anakin. Except he needs more time than Obi-Wan could give him by keeping him in bed, sitting next to him waiting for an answer.  
Nobody knows how much time passes before Obi-Wan stands up. 

"Talk to me about it whenever you want, Anakin."

He turns around to leave the room, but a hand cathces his wrist, stops him. The same hand that ealier has stopped him from touching Anakin's clothes. 

"Please stay."

It's only a whisper, but he does - of course he does. He would never leave Anakin alone when he needed help. So he just sits down again, and this time he's holding his padawans hand.

It takes another long period of silence until Anakin speaks again.  
"Help me take them off."  
Obi-Wan looks at him in confusion, but as his padawan adds "The clothes. You're allowed to take them off" his expression turns into astonishment.

Slowly he moves his hands again and starts to push the cloth aside, until Anakin is only wearing a thin, tight robe. Underneath it, Obi-Wan can see bandages, tightly wrapped around Anakin’s chest, binding it so that it seems flat.

He gasps quietly, while Anakin turns his head aside, looking somewhere at the wall with an empty and emberassed stare.  
Very carefully Obi-Wan grasps Anakin's robe and pulls it over his padawan's chest. 

These bandages are bound way too tight.

Just by looking at them Obi-Wan knows they must hurt even if one doesn't move at all. How painful must fighting be then...  
A warm, calm hand does around a shaky one.

"Anakin..." 

Anakin has heard his master calling him by this name so often, but never was there so much feeling in it, not like this time. Horror, worry, pure love. 

"You have to get rid if these. May I...?" A nod. Anakin still can't look at his master's face, instead staring off into nothingness.  
"You have to sit up, then." 

Slowly Anakin moves until he sits in front of his master, legs crossed, looking down at his hands. Obi-Wan starts to unravel the bandages then, his movements calm.

With a broken voice Anakin finally starts to talk; a moment more and he would start crying.  
"I hate them. I hate them so much. I don't want them to be there anymore, I don't care if I get hurt by hiding them! It will never be as painful as knowing they are there anyway..." 

A sob. While he was talking his body has lost the last bit of strength, so he falls down onto Obi-Wan, his head lying on his shoulder. His hands move, closing in an embrace around his master’s back as he starts crying silently, tears flowing down his face and shivers going through his body. 

"I am no girl, master, I never was", is all he manages to say between sobs and heavy breathes.

Obi-Wan just continues pulling the bandages away slowly, setting his padawan’s chest free. When he finally finishes, he pulls Anakin away to look at him.  
Anakin, still sobbing, doesn’t have the strength to stop him. His chest is covered by red marks from the bandages cutting into his flesh.  
Obi-Wan slowly moves a finger over the marks, as if that would make them disappear. When he realises what he’s doing, he pulls Anakin’s shirt back down.

"You know you will always be a boy to me, do you?", he askes as he watches his padawan finally finding the courage to look him at the face.  
"Thank you, master", Anakin says, and he looks tired and weak while sitting there in front of the man who is more important to him than anyone else. 

"But you still know you can't stay with these bandages", Obi-Wan points out in a strict tone.  
"We'll find something that makes your chest flat without hurting you", he adds, warmth in his voice. As Anakin opens his mouth to reply, Obi-Wan gives him a brief smile.

He stands up to leave the room, only to be caught again. The hand that takes his does so with little strenght; it could not force him to stay and he could go, but he doesn't want to leave, anyway.  
He freezes when Anakin asks him to come back and lie down beside him. He thought it'd be better to let his padawan alone after such a hard, somewhat forceful conversation, so this surprises him. 

He turns around and sits down again, his hand still touching Anakin's, who pulls him down to lie next to him and wraps his arms around his master while burring his face into his chest. 

"Please hold me..." he whispers. 

Obi-Wan knows he shouldn't, he knows he should just go and leave the boy alone, for this surely is against the Jedi Code, but he also knows Anakin needs this, and it's his duty to help him with any serious problem.  
He doesn't want to leave, if he's to be honest with himself.

Slowly he wraps his arms around is padawan and pulls him closer to his chest. One of his hands pets Anakin's head, fingers running through short cut hair.

The boy from Tatooine, now a teenager who’s grown up way too fast, lies in his embrace as if he belongs there. Obi-Wan smiles at him as Anakin drifts into a calm, much needed sleep.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Red Lines](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6733564) by [MycroftRH](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MycroftRH/pseuds/MycroftRH)




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